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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25580536">Catalyst</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SysOpRunner/pseuds/SysOpRunner'>SysOpRunner</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aged-Up Character(s), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Blow Jobs, Coffee Shops, Daniel is a domestic disaster, Developing Relationship, Drinking, Hand Jobs, Kuroo is a rock, M/M, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Sexual Content, University, Yaoi, anorexia (recovering)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:42:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>21,179</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25580536</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SysOpRunner/pseuds/SysOpRunner</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>His breath came up short when Kuroo’s golden hawk-eyes pinned him with a gaze so intense, he felt like a moth in a display case. With those precise, controlled motions that served him so well on the volleyball court, the taller man (Gods, he was tall) turned to face him. He switched the grip of their hands and now it was Kuroo’s fingers wrapped tight around his wrist. Kuroo’s other hand came to rest on the wall, next to his head. He felt terrified. He felt reckless, he felt elated. He reached a hand behind Kuroo’s neck and pulled him down to his mouth.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kuroo Tetsurou/Original Character(s), Kuroo Tetsurou/Original Male Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Gods and Heroes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Daniel was rolling up the shutters of the coffee shop. The sun was warming the back of his neck and drying the dew on the lawn. He went to unlock the tables and chairs stacked in one corner of the terrasse and began placing them and wiping them down. Some joggers were running through the sand on the edge of the surf. This was his favorite moment of the day: the quiet hour before opening when he could look out over the sea, sip his coffee, and admire the joggers. This was a university town and damn, there were a lot of strong young bodies running by his shop every day. At 21 he was pretty much in the same age bracket as the runners but most days he felt substantially older. The other days, he felt positively ancient.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He carried on with opening the shop. Soon first customers were trickling in. Mostly sleep-deprived students, and a few workers on their way to the office. Then it would get quieter until young families were heading out to the beach. That would keep him busy until 3 pm. This part of the boardwalk was pretty family-friendly, Bars and trendy cafés were further down, on the other side of the campus. Not much business here in the evenings. Which left him with lots of free time on his hands to be spending on his thesis. Daniel liked it here. He liked the easy routine of his workday. He slept only a few hours a night anyway and was always up by dawn. Perfect for running a coffee shop. He liked the roads that twisted inland and hugged the mountainsides. Perfect for riding his bike. He liked the serenity of the clifftop temples and monasteries. Sometimes his thoughts were almost quiet when he walked there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bell jingled and a young man approached the counter. He was one of the regular runners but not a regular customer. Daniel took the opportunity to examine the broad shoulders and toned arms while the young man squinted at the board and finally ordered a latte with an extra shot of espresso. Needs the caffeine, hates the bitterness, Daniel commented internally. It was a game he sometimes played with himself. He turned around to the espresso machine and kept taking glances in the mirror at the young man behind him. He had the most extraordinary head of unruly black hair he had ever seen. He looked like he only just rolled out of bed after a particularly active night. It spiked aggressively in all directions and flopped wildly over one eye. But it looked far too good to be the product of a mere accident. His eyes were a strangely pale shade of brown, almost golden. It made him look like a bird of prey.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Daniel tapped out the bubbles in the foamed milk and poured it into the coffee. He rang it up and pushed the cup across the counter. As the boy took the cup his hawk-eyes landed on Daniel’s arm. He pointed with some curiosity to one of the many tattoos located there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s that for?” Hawk-eyes asked<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Dedication to the medication,” Daniel answered offhand. Seeing the incomprehension in the boy’s eyes he added: “Caffeine. It’s the molecular symbol for the caffeine compound.”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Ugh. Organic chemistry. It’ll be the end of me.”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Really?” <br/>
</span>
  <span>“Yeah. I’ve fallen behind in my class and I can’t seem to dig myself out of the hole…”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Well, I’m pretty handy with carbon compounds… Do you think you’d want a remedial class?”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“At this point, I’m willing to try witchcraft and animal sacrifice. If you really think you can help me with second-year o-chem, I just might make that offering to you! When would be good?”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“I close up here at 3 pm. Anytime after that is fine.”  Daniel answered.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Great! I finish classes at 4. Where can we meet?”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Right here should be fine. Bring your books. Coffee’s on me.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Thank you! I’m Tetsurō Kuroo,” he added with a small bow.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Daniel. Daniel Webster.”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Thank you Daniel-san.”<br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Daniel smirked and waved the boy on his way. The shop was quiet for the moment. He turned around and caught a reflection of his milk-white hair in the mirror behind the bar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Freak,” he murmured to himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He went about the business of his day but his mind kept going back to the morning encounter. Why did he offer to tutor this rooster? He did look good with that bed-head of his and his toned arms and… agrrh… He was not in a mood to indulge in one of his idle fantasies.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As time passed and customers wound in and out of the shop, he started to smile a little. It would be a little change of pace. The kid seemed smart enough and pretty funny, come to think of it. Second-year, huh? That would make him about 20… good.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His last customer was a harried-looking woman with a little girl of no more than 4 in tow. She ordered her coffee and paid quickly while fiddling with her phone. Daniel thought she didn't need more caffeine by the looks of her. The coffee ready, he turned around and saw the woman sternly but quietly admonishing the little girl. The toddler’s finger still pointed in his direction. He knew right away what was going on. He looked away and handed the cup without making eye contact. After the pair left, he went to the door and turned the sign over to ‘closed’. The little bubble of almost-happiness inside him deflated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was not the first time. In fact, it happened with depressing regularity. Children were always curious about his white hair and his scar. Daniel understood that. But it was the parents that made it very awkward. Ostensibly, it was about politeness. They admonished their children about being rude. But the way they stole glances at him and nervously shushed their children made clear that they thought he was some shady character who probably got what he deserved. He thought he was used to it but today it made him feel like shit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Freak,” he murmured to himself again. Clean, wipe, sweep, wash, empty, fill, stack, restock… a simple series of steps to keep him busy. Unfortunately, it was far from sufficient to occupy his mind and his thoughts wandered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Objectively speaking, the scar was not </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>bad. It went from his temple, all the way down to the corner of his mouth. Along the way it cut a narrow path through his eyebrow and zigzagged across his cheek, narrowly missing the eye. It ended by pulling down the corner of his mouth into a permanent smirk. Or sneer. He could sneer very effectively although he tried not to. To finish off the look, his mid-length, slightly wavy hair was an extravagant milky white that made him stand out for miles. He’d heard the neighborhood kids call him “Young Ghoul”.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A knock on the glass startled him from his thoughts. Kuroo’s bedhead was visible on the other side of the glass door. He waved him in and locked the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want to make sure I won’t escape? Probably a good idea. Chemistry does make me want to run for the hills.”<br/>
</span>
  <span>Daniel chuckled. “It’s just to keep the stray coffee addicts away. Let’s get started. Get yourself set up and I'll make us something to drink. Same as this morning?”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“That would be nice, thanks,” Kuroo answered while spreading his books on one of the bigger tables.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Soon their two lattes were surrounded by a mass of textbooks and class notes. Daniel looked through the material and started asking questions to see where Kuroo was at. It quickly became apparent that the boy was smart enough but lacked some understanding of the fundamentals. They started by reviewing some basics and then moved on to exercises. Daniel was relieved to see that Kuroo was a quick study. He didn't have a lot of patience for dull people. They were about to start on an assignment when Kuroo glanced at the time and said: “Damn. I have to get going. I still need to swing by my apartment to grab a bite to eat before practice.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What kind of practice? Harp? French horn? Choir?” Daniel asked, teasing. It was obvious from the boy’s appearance that it was sports but he amused himself with the thought of Kuroo playing the french horn.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Volleyball. Trust me, I should never be left unsupervised with a musical instrument,” answered Kuroo.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“I see. Hey, why don’t I fix you something to eat instead? That way you can get started on this assignment and I can check if you’re on the right track?” Daniel proposed.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Really? That would be great. But do you have actual food around here?” Kuroo eyed the little shop doubtfully. Besides some cookies, the place seemed devoid of food.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“I live upstairs and the shop owner lets me use the kitchenette here. I don’t cook much but I can put together a sandwich.” Daniel explained, “Would that be enough?”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“That would be perfect!” Answered Kuroo enthusiastically.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Daniel moved behind the counter and retrieved sandwich fixings from the fridge. He had lied to Kuroo about not cooking much. Truth was he didn't cook at all. He survived mostly on coffee, sandwiches, more coffee, and an occasional meal from the local supermarket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked over at Kuroo. The boy was scribbling away diligently, his knee bobbing and his shoulders rolling slightly as if to some internal soundtrack. Daniel put the sandwich on a plate, added a cookie from the coffee shop, and a bottle of water from the fridge. Volleyball, he thought. The restless rooster will need his energy. He put the plate on the table and pulled over Kuroo’s work to look it over. Kuroo grabbed the sandwich and began eating.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, how come a chemistry genius like you is running a small-town coffee shop?” Kuroo enquired amiably.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“I’m working on my thesis. This is a good arrangement that leaves me a lot of time for it.” Daniel kept his eyes down. <br/>
</span>
  <span>Kuroo sputtered into his water. “Thesis? Wow, how old </span>
  <em>
    <span>are </span>
  </em>
  <span>you? I mean… ahem… sorry, I didn’t mean to make it weird. It’s not about your hair or anything.” he stammered. “I just… I didn’t think you were much older than me. And… I think the hair is really cool by the way.” he added with a smile.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“I’m 21.” Daniel kept his eyes on the workbook in front of him and continued checking Kuro’s work. His hair was </span>
  <em>
    <span>cool</span>
  </em>
  <span>?<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Doing your thesis already?” mused Kuroo.<br/>
</span>
  <span>Daniel felt a little embarrassed. He was a little ahead of the curve. If he hadn’t dropped out for a year and a half his thesis would have been long completed. A snarky remark flitted through his brain but he found that he didn't want to be snarky. He decided to change the subject. “So, what’s your major?” he asked.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Biomechanics.”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Hmm… not fully committed to squishy science then? What are you aiming for?<br/>
</span>
  <span>“I’d like to work in the sports field. Analyze how bodies move to maximize performance.”<br/>
</span>
  <span>Daniel kept his face down over Kuroo’s workbook to hide this smirk. The boy didn't even realize how suggestive that last sentence sounded. But then again, it was probably just him. His mind was easily in the gutter these days… “Well, I think you’ve done a good job of these. If you’d like, we could do it again until you’ve caught up with your classwork,” Daniel surprised himself with that offer but heck, why not? It had been pleasant.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Aw, that would be awesome! You explain really well. You sure you have the time for it?”<br/>
</span>
  <span>Daniel blushed slightly at the compliment. “I’m sure,” he said. “Same time tomorrow?”</span><br/>
<span>“I have a late class. I could come around 5:30 but I could stay later,” answered Kuroo. “No practice tomorrow,” he explained.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“OK. See you then, Kuroo.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Offerings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He didn't really have a plan. It just felt good to be close to the young man. He was calm, he was solid, strong… He took a long swig from his can and tipped his head back. He was feeling unmoored. All he wanted was to bask in the warmth of Kuroo’s arm leaning against his. He wanted him to laugh again. He wanted to know him a little better. Or a lot.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>That night Daniel got even less sleep than usual. By 4 in the morning, he was at his desk, leafing listlessly through some printouts. By 6 he gave up pretending he was working and went down to the shop to open up. By 6:30, he was sitting on the terrasse, feet up on the railing, inhaling his coffee.  His eyes were trained on the beach, following the joggers. He kept telling himself he was doing his usual casual looking but he didn't convince himself. He knew full well he was keeping a lookout for a certain rooster-crested boy...His patience was rewarded a few minutes later when he saw the unmistakable bed head bobbing along the beach. He was gratified when the boy looked over and waved to him. He waved back and headed inside to attend to his first customers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After closing up, he got on his bike and made a dash to the supermarket. He figured some more sandwich ingredients could come in handy. He added a few snacks and some beer to his basket. Once everything was packed, he realized it was the biggest purchase he’d made in months. He berated himself for not thinking about how it would be hard to ride back with the heavily loaded backpack throwing off his balance. He felt foolish all of a sudden. Was he planning to adopt the rooster like a stray pet and feed him sandwiches? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled up by the coffee shop to see Kuroo already sitting on the step. His head was tipped back, eyes closed. He had earphones in his ears. To Daniel's eyes, he looked like a hero.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Daniel let them into the shop and locked the door behind them. While Daniel put his shopping away Kuroo unpacked his books. They fell into the easy camaraderie of their previous night, Daniel leading the other boy through the material, alternating with some worksheets. After a couple of hours of solid work, Daniel fixed the boy another hefty sandwich. He even made one for himself. They ate quickly, Kuroo was determined to catch up on his classwork. It was nearing midnight when they finally put the books away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I think you’re good to go. You’ve caught up with the material and I think your understanding is pretty solid.” <br/>
</span>
  <span>Kuroo stretched in his seat and said: “Ooof, I’m spent! But it feels good to be all caught up. Now all I have to do is keep up with everything else.”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Yeah. Let me know if you run into any trouble though, I’d be glad to help you sort it out.” Daniel smirked and added: “In O-chem. I'm not sure I can help you with your french horn practice…”<br/>
</span>
  <span>Kuroo laughed. Daniel listened gladly to that full-throated, honest laugh. It made him feel warm inside and he wanted to hear more of it. “Hey, do you want a beer?”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Sure. I think we’ve earned that,” Kuroo agreed easily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Daniel came back with a couple of cans and sat down on the bench next to Kuroo. Not entirely on accident, he sat pretty close, their shoulder touching. He reached over to clank his can against Kuroo’s, squeezing their shoulders even closer together. “Kanpaï.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn't really have a plan. It just felt good to be close to the boy. He was calm, he was solid, strong… He took a long swig from his can and tipped his head back. He was feeling unmoored. All he wanted was to bask in the warmth of Kuroo’s arm leaning against his. He wanted him to laugh again. He wanted to know him a little better. Or a lot. “Hand me your phone. I’ll leave you my number. That way you can reach me if you need to,” Daniel was surprised to hear himself say that.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“To practice the french horn?”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Yeah,” Daniel thumbed his number quickly into the phone and sent a quick message to himself. He now had Kuroo’s number as well. Before handing it back he glanced at the picture in the background. It showed a volleyball team, their arms around each other’s shoulders, their faces glowing with pride. A slightly younger, lankier Kuroo was in the middle. His hair was just the same and his arms extended wide to gather the group to him. Daniel handed the phone back with the picture in evidence. “Your team?” He asked.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“High school. Nekoma High,” Kuroo smiled fondly at the picture. “They were the best.”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Have you been playing long?”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Since middle school. My friend Kenma, that’s the little one here,” he pointed at one of the players in the picture. “We’ve been playing together since we were kids.”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Isn’t he a little short for volleyball?”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“There are plenty of even shorter guys,” retorted Kuroo. “There’s this kid, one year younger than me. He was even shorter than Kenma but he had a fearsome spike. He could jump like gravity was optional for him. I think he went on to play for the national team. Or maybe pro. He was that good. Besides, Kenma was our team’s setter.”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Setter?” asked Daniel.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“He’s the one setting up the attack. He analyses the play and sets the ball up for the player with the best chance of scoring. Kenma had amazing game sense.”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Had?” Daniel prompted once again.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“He quit when I went away to uni.”<br/>
</span>
  <span>Daniel could tell the subject made Kuroo sad. “Left behind your friends and family?” he asked. <br/>
</span>
  <span>“Yeah…”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Girlfriend too?” Damn, where did that question come from?! Smooth, Daniel. Real smooth, he thought to himself.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Boyfriend,” Kuroo answered easily. “But no. I was not in a relationship.”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Ah…” Daniel’s brain ground to a halt. His thoughts spun in circles and could not coalesce into anything coherent. He was glad when Kuroo spoke up, seemingly not noticing Daniel’s confusion. It gave him time to reboot and answer without sounding like an idiot.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“What about you? How’d you end up here?”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“It’s a long story,” Daniel stalled.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Try me.”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“I said it’s a long story. I didn't say it’s an interesting one,” Daniel retorted, recovering himself.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Then give me a short version,” Kuroo insisted.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Fine.” Daniel was a little irritated by the boy's insistence but also a little flattered. “Right here was as far from home as I could go without leaving the planet.”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Fine. Be all mysterious and inscrutable,” answered Kuroo in mock offense.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Me? Mysterious?!” Daniel was a little surprised by this. And again, a little flattered.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“A planet-hopping, cloud-haired god of biochemistry living incognito over a coffee shop?” continued Kuroo. “And said god taking time to mentor me? If that’s not mysterious then I don’t know what is!”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“I never said I was planet-hopping,” spluttered Daniel. His mind was still trying to process ‘cloud-haired’. He thought that sounded… nice?<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Ha! So you admit you’re the god of biochem?” triumphed Kuroo. “I guess I’ll have to make that sacrificial offering then. What should it be? Some fruit? A goat? A virgin?” he asked and took a pull from his beer can.<br/>
</span>
  <span>“That would depend on the virgin,” answered Daniel with a sly smile. Kuroo choked on his drink. Daniel thought he blushed rather prettily too. “Just kidding. No sacrifice required. But you may have to entertain me by playing the french horn at some point.” <br/>
</span>
  <span>“I didn't think you were one for gratuitous violence,” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Daniel snorted and giggled into his beer. Kuroo let out another boisterous peal of laughter. Daniel felt it carry him like a cork bobbing in a stream. It seemed like he hadn’t felt this relaxed in years. Damn, it was easy to joke and… flirt? with this boy. Was that flirting? Kuroo’s proximity was so easy. Yet after a while, the boy rose and stretched luxuriously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aaaahhh. I guess I’d better get going. Another day tomorrow. Thanks again Daniel,” he added. “For everything.”<br/>
</span>
  <span>“Don’t mention it, Kuroo. Let me know how you fare on your next exam.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Daniel picked up in the kitchen while Kuro gathered his books and notes. He then locked the door behind the boy and closed the lights. He stood there for a while, leaning against the closed door and wondering what he was hoping to accomplish… Was he really hoping for something? What was the point? But the butterflies in his stomach were telling another story...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He climbed slowly upstairs and plopped on his bed. He fiddled with his phone until he found the playlist he’d been looking for. He hadn’t listened to it in a while. He popped on his earphones, turned up the volume, and pressed play. It was full of very loud, very angry music. It was perfect for drowning out his thoughts (and years ago, his parents shouting). He tried to lose himself in the jackhammer beats but somehow, his mind kept wandering back to that sliver of skin he glimpsed when Kuroo had stretched at the end of the night. Or the way his strange golden eyes glinted when he was joking. He turned the volume up a notch but to no effect. The pulsing bass just seemed to drift down into his stomach and settle behind his navel, making him feel strangely hungry. The memory of Kuroo’s arm was burning on his skin. He sighed, pulled the earphones off, and slipped his hand inside his boxers to take care of himself because what else was he supposed to do?</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Match Point</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Daniel’s view of the beach in the mornings had changed. He didn't even try to pretend it was about anyone other than Kuroo. His morning mood greatly depended on seeing the boy wave to him. He developed a laser-sharp focus that made him spot the wild haired head with unerring accuracy. He felt pathetic. He felt exhilarated.</p>
<p>Kuroo had stopped by only once to pick up a coffee but the shop was too busy to allow them to chat. Daniel was growing impatient and debating an excuse to text the boy when a message appeared on his phone.</p>
<p><br/>(Does the god of biochem get some time off?)<br/>                                                                                                    (Occasionally)<br/>(Game this Saturday. Wanna come watch? We could grab a beer after. My treat.)<br/>                                                                                                                 (Sure)<br/>(Campus sports center. Main gym, 3 pm. I’ll see you after)</p>
<p>Daniel’s heart fluttered wildly. He called the shop owner about having to close early on Saturday. The old man was pretty relaxed as a rule and extremely happy with Daniel’s work in general, not to mention that he appreciated the security of having someone on the premises nearly all the time. He therefore grumbled only a little before agreeing.</p>
<p>Saturday Daniel shooed his customers out a little earlier than usual and headed upstairs to change. He exchanged the black shirt for a white tee and shrugged into his jacket. He debated riding to the match but figured that walking was the better option if there was to be beer involved. The walk took less than 15 minutes anyway. He joined the steady trickle of spectators heading into the gym and found himself a seat in the stands. He looked around the players milling around on the court. He spotted Kuroo right away, warming up with some jumps near the net. He looked good in the red jersey and black shorts, his leg muscles working as he jumped. Damn, those were nice...</p>
<p>The warmup period was ending. The captains gathered their teams for one last motivational moment and then they lined up to salute the referees and the opposing team. Daniel saw Kuroo take a moment to scan the stands and his heart skipped a beat at the sight of the smile the young man gave him. He was surprised Kuroo spotted him so easily but then remembered how his hair made him stand out. "Freak," he muttered to himself.</p>
<p>The game began. Daniel knew just enough about volleyball to follow the action but he missed most of the finer strategy points. It didn't matter. He was enjoying the show. He was enjoying watching Kuroo play. He noticed how Kuroo’s hawk-eyes would dart around all the time, assessing the play, analyzing the motions, trajectories, even while he was airborne. Sometimes his hand would move to block at the last instant, or his body would flex in midair, changing trajectories to put him in the way of the ball. It was fascinating to watch. Funny, on the court he seemed older, more mature.</p>
<p>As the game progressed, the points became more hotly disputed and all the players were going all out, not sparing themselves. Arms stretched, legs lunged, bodies collided with the floor. The whomp of the ball cracking against a hand, the groans of disappointment and yells of satisfaction, all these sounds filled the arena with a crackling energy and Daniel found himself swept by the intensity. So it was somewhat to his surprise when the game ended on a shrill whistle blow. He was so caught up in watching Kuroo, he had lost track of points. He didn't bother checking the scoreboard. The players' reaction said it all. Kuroo was in the middle of a celebration vortex, surrounded by cheering teammates. To Daniel's intense satisfaction, Kuroo looked up and gave him a brilliant smile. Daniel thought he felt a blush creep up his cheeks. Gods, he was falling for that strutting little rooster. Hard.</p>
<p>That was not a realization he expected. He brushed it aside and went down to meet Kuroo. There was a little crowd of friends and fans around the exit so Daniel hung back and waited. After a few minutes, both teams came out and the players were surrounded. Kuroo’s rooster head was bobbing in and out of view. Daniel saw him greet a friend, shake hands with an opponent, but all along his eyes were sweeping the small crowd until they found Daniel, leaning against the wall a short distance away. Kuro walked towards him unhurriedly, a winner’s strut in his step, a satisfied grin on his face. Daniel’s knees went a bit weak. He was suddenly very conscious of how tall and strong the young man was.</p>
<p>“Congratulations,” Daniel choked out. His voice seemed to have gone momentarily AWOL<br/>“Thanks! It was a good game. Did you enjoy it?”<br/>“Lots. But I’m not very knowledgeable so… I’m glad you won, anyways. If you’d lost I would have to come up with something smart to say about how this was a meaningful loss and I would just embarrass myself.” Gods, he was blabbering.<br/>Kuroo let out another one of his rolling laughs and Daniel felt lifted by it again. “I’m glad you came. Can you wait 15 minutes for me to change? Then we can go grab that beer.”<br/>“Uuh… Sure! I’ll be right here.” Daniel felt himself blushing again. What was going on with that? Kuroo gave him one of his blazing smiles and walked off towards the locker room. Daniel could have sworn that under that flop of dark hair there had been a wink, just for him.</p>
<p>They had joined some of Kuroo’s friends and teammates at the uni dorms common room. The room was crowded and the party was spilling into the corridor. Kuroo got both of them a beer and walked around, saying hi to friends, rehashing highpoints of the match with teammates. Daniel was a little disappointed. He felt out of place. There were too many people, too much noise, not enough Kuroo for his liking… at some point, he thought he heard someone mutter ‘Young Ghoul’ behind his back. To his surprise, he felt Kuroo tense up beside him but Daniel himself pretended not to have heard it.</p>
<p>He was about to find an excuse to go back home when Kuroo took his wrist and pulled him to the kitchen area, where he grabbed a couple of fresh beers and a screwdriver. He then pulled him further along, out and to the stairwell at the end of the corridor. Without a word of explanation, they climbed the stairs to the top floor, and then the last flight led them to the roof access door, secured with a hefty padlock. Kuroo winked (this time he really did, Daniel was certain) and handed Daniel his beer.</p>
<p>“Here, hold this.” He then went to work quickly unscrewing the U-bolt that the lock was secured to. The screws came out quickly and Daniel realized it was far from the first time the padlock had been thus circumvented. Kuroo dropped the screws into his jeans pocket and opened the door. They walked out together onto the roof and Kuroo closed the door behind them.</p>
<p>The cool night air enveloped them. Mountains were behind them, the city glittered all around and a short distance away the bay shone darkly. After the warm, noisy, and crowded residence hall, this was another world. Kuroo walked over to the edge and sat down. He tilted his head back, closed his eyes, and took in a deep breath. “Ahh…. That’s better, don't you think?” Asked Kuroo. He patted the roof surface right next to him. Daniel walked up to him and sat down as instructed. He handed Kuro his beer back.<br/>“It is, but I thought you’d prefer to be celebrating with your friends.” Answered Daniel.<br/>“Truth be told, I’m not much for parties. The guys call me ‘mother’ sometimes… I tend to be a little too strait-laced for their liking I guess.” Kuroo chuckled.<br/>“So I guess it’s not the first time you’ve come up here, huh?”<br/>“Nah, I’m here at least once a week. When the rat-race becomes too intense it’s either a run on the beach or a few moments up here.” Kuroo tipped his head back and looked up.</p>
<p>Daniel kept his eyes on the bay. It was the negative space defined by the bustle and glitter of the city bending around it. He sighed, feeling not really sad, not really happy either but definitely filled to the brim with an emotion he couldn't name. Silence stretched between them. Daniel didn't feel uncomfortable with it. In fact, it reminded him of the silence he felt inside himself when he drove up the hills to one of the monasteries there.</p>
<p>“It’s my escape,” added Kuroo. “I’ll let you in on a secret Daniel. But you must promise never to tell a soul. It could ruin me,” Kuro was looking down into his eyes, smirking in a self-deprecating way. “Can I count on you?”<br/>“My lips are sealed,” promised Daniel.<br/>“Hmmm. We’ll see about that,” answered Kuroo with a sly smile.<br/>“Well, What’s this terrible secret? I promise not to tell unless you admit you’ve taken up the french horn. Then the authorities may have to be involved.” Daniel prompted.<br/>“Oh, no. This is much worse. I come up here to meditate.” Kuroo paused, clearly waiting for Daniel to pretend to be shocked. He continued: “...you know, like old people do. I started when a friend of mine was having panic attacks. I wanted to help him and we did this together and it helped a little, sometimes. But I found that it did me a lot of good. So I still do it.”<br/>“Why is it such a big secret though…?” Asked Daniel.<br/>“Oh gods, can you imagine what my teammates would say if they knew? I'd be demoted from mother straight to grand-mother!” Kuroo let out another laugh but it was much softer, more of a chuckle. It swept Daniel away. “Anyways, this is the best place I ever found for this. Everywhere else is always full of people and noise.”<br/>“You know, there is a place I know you’d probably enjoy. Are you free tomorrow? I'd like to take you there,” Daniel said and wondered immediately at the wisdom of this.<br/>“Tomorrow? I’m free,” said Kuroo without hesitation.<br/>“OK then.”<br/>“Now it’s your turn to tell me a deep, dark secret, Daniel,” Kuroo looked at him from under his hair and a smile played around with the corners of his mouth.</p>
<p>Secret? Daniel was made of secrets. Not that they were deep or dark. It’s just that he never told anyone anything about himself. Ever. And thus, by virtue of being unspoken, everything became a secret. And Daniel worked so hard to keep it all hidden, even from himself. Kuroo wanted one of his secrets? He had dozens. Surely, he could let go of one? A small, inconsequential one? One that didn’t hurt? “I have a twin sister.”<br/>“Is her hair a beautiful cloud-white like yours?”<br/>“No. She’s a standard edition brunette but she’s anything but standard herself. She’s the most amazing person I know.” Daniel was a bit surprised that he’d said so much. But funny enough, it didn’t hurt. Maybe it would tomorrow. But for now, he was fine. He felt emboldened. Maybe another little secret wouldn't hurt? “She works in video games. She's a character designer. What about you? Any siblings?”<br/>“I’m an only child. My teammates were my siblings.”<br/>“Were?”<br/>“Back in high school. We were really close. Here it’s different. We’re still close as a team should be, but back in high school, when we were 15, and stupid, and unafraid, they really were my brothers. I loved them so much.”<br/>“What about your parents?” Daniel surprised himself with this question because he knew he'd probably have to reciprocate… and those were secrets he didn't think he wanted to share… Not now and probably not ever.<br/>“My parents are… happy? I don’t know how to describe them otherwise. My mum was a teacher until they married and then she was a mum. You know, standard stuff. My da was a salaryman. He wanted to be an engineer. He always loved building things. Always tinkering. But with his family, and the way things were, he joined the bank and was a salaryman all his life. Now he’s retired. And you know what he does? He builds water clocks in his garden! Do you know what that is?”</p>
<p>Daniel shook his head.</p>
<p>“They’re these little bamboo contraptions that catch water and fill up, and tip over, and rotate, and refill and in the process, they keep time. They’re really, really clever... “ Kuroo’s face lit up with a tender smile as he described his father's hobby. He then looked enquiringly at Daniel, clearly waiting for a reply.<br/>Daniel hesitated, thinking of an answer that was not the truth but would also not be a lie. But in the end, he felt strangely compelled to answer truthfully. “My mum is a prop and costume designer for movies. Mostly swords and armor. She lives in LA. I guess my sister inherited her talent.” Daniel was surprised to see that it still didn't feel painful. He took a big swig of his beer, just in case.<br/>“What about your father?” asked Kuroo.<br/>“My dad? My father is officially the World's Most Boring Man. I’m sure he has the award plaque somewhere in his sock drawer.”<br/>“Aren’t you a bit harsh?”<br/>“Harsh? No, I’m being generous. Do you know what he does for a living? He’s a statistician,” Daniel spat out with infinite scorn. “For an insurance company… He lives in New Jersey. They’re divorced,“ he added as an afterthought but that last bit hurt. His eyes were dark with resentment. That was too close to all the secrets he really was trying to keep.</p>
<p>While Leah, his sister, had indeed inherited their mother’s talents (and their father’s stolid determination but Daniel chose to ignore that), Daniel prayed to all the gods he didn't believe in that he didn't resemble their father too much. He downed the rest of his beer in one go and looked out over the city. It sparkled very prettily in the night but was it really special? No. He didn’t really belong here. There were other cities to live in. Other cafés to run, other scholarships to accept, other roads to ride on. As long as he kept moving, he would not turn into his old man.</p>
<p>He shifted his gaze to Kuroo. He was surprised to see his hawk-eyes trained unerringly on him and a look of cunning understanding on the young man’s face. Like a deer in the headlights, Daniel just sat there while Kuroo reached out one hand and put it behind Daniel’s neck. He felt the tips of Kuroo’s long wide fingers slide gently into his hair (his freaky white hair - shut up Daniel) and pause. Golden hawk-eyes looked into his startled green ones, giving him a moment to pull back, to disengage, to pretend that it was something else, a friendly hand on the shoulder perhaps… Seeing none of that, Kuroo pulled him in. Gently, slowly, inexorably, he pulled him in until their lips met.</p>
<p>When Daniel was a child, he was fascinated by thunderstorms. One day, the sky was covered with dark boiling clouds and a thunderstorm so fierce rolled in that the thunderclaps just merged into one single deafening roar that pulsed across the sky without focus and without end. Leah was cowering in her bed, head under the covers. Their father was in his office, unperturbed by what, to him, was just ‘weather’. Their mother was away. She was always away. Daniel sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the patio door. He watched the trees whipping helplessly from side to side, the rain churning mud from the soggy lawn. He watched wide-eyed as lightning lashed back and forth across the purple sky, brilliant and holy and unstoppable. His hair was standing on end and he could not, would not look away. He didn't even dare to blink as he felt the thunder roll through him and the lightning drew phantom lines across his vision.</p>
<p>Kuroo’s kiss felt just like that. When their lips parted Daniel just sat there, and once again his brain had nothing useful to contribute. He was lost, adrift, unmoored and directionless. He leaned forward to rest his forehead on Kuroo’s shoulder. The young man slipped his fingers further into his hair and squeezed gently. After a moment he slid his hand to Daniel’s shoulder and whispered “C’mon. Let me walk you back…”</p>
<p>Daniel could barely hear him over the furious pounding of his heart.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Summit</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next morning was cloudy and a thin mist clung to the sides of the hills, softening all contours. Daniel got up at daybreak and made himself a coffee. He wondered at the rash invitation he made yesterday. Kuroo had walked him most of the way back, keeping close but no closer than their shoulders occasionally bumping together. The silence was still comfortable, though Daniel felt a bit dazed. At the corner of his shop, Kuroo gently bumped his shoulder into Daniel then leaned a bit down to look into his eyes and asked: “So, are we still on for tomorrow?”</p><p>“Yeah, sure…” Daniel emerged from his daze to answer hesitantly. ”I mean… if you want to…?”</p><p>“I want to,” Kuroo answered. “Text me.” He gave Daniel a wink and turned to go.</p><p>Daniel sipped his coffee and wondered at how different Kuroo seemed to him now. He had thought Kuroo to be a smart and funny guy, pleasant to be around and definitely good looking. Yesterday on the volleyball court he saw a different Kuroo. One that was very much in control: of himself, of the space around him and of the people that gravitated near him. He exuded a powerful energy during the game that made his teammates respond to him seemingly without thinking. He now loomed in his memories taller, stronger, more mature too. That self-assured version of Kuroo definitely did things to Daniel’s imagination. For a moment he wondered if the kiss had been part of one of his listless fantasies but no, the way his stomach clenched and his heartbeat like a fist to his chest at the mere thought of it was proof that this had been more than imagination. He suddenly felt very hungry. He finished his coffee and went upstairs to shower. He fired off a quick text to Kuroo, not giving himself any time for second-guessing.</p><p>(I’ll pick you up in 30 min. Be ready.)</p><p>He tossed the phone onto his bed without waiting for a response and stepped into the bathroom.</p><p>Ten minutes later he was washed and dressed in jeans, t-shirt, and jacket. He grabbed his helmet from a hook on the wall, then rummaged a little in his closet until he located the second helmet. Downstairs he laced up his boots and locked the back door behind himself. He kicked his Kawasaki to life and sped across the quiet streets to the residences.</p><p>Kuroo was waiting on top of the steps, leaning casually against the wall. He strutted down and easily caught the helmet Daniel tossed him. Daniel had a moment’s thought for Kuroo’s hair. Would it be flattened by the helmet or would it emerge victorious? Kuroo swung his leg over the bike and grabbed Daniel’s waist without hesitation. When Daniel felt Kuroo’s knees on either side of him, he dropped the gear and eased back onto the street. He felt Kuroo’s hands slide further for a secure grip around his waist.</p><p>The road was one of Daniel's favorites. It wound relentlessly up the hills in turns that carved a rhythm into the side of the mountains. On a sunny day, the bay would occasionally glimmer below in blue, competing for attention with the sky and the lush green vegetation. Today’s cloudy weather made for a different, softer beauty. There were only multiple shades of soft gray-green, bleeding like watercolor from one hue to another. Daniel leaned into the turns and felt Kuroo match his body to him, the bike thrumming beneath them, the road throwing its arms wide to embrace them.</p><p>They pulled up to a small parking lot of white gravel, bordered by an ancient, lichen-covered stone wall. They left their helmets on the bike and walked along a path to an ancient gate. Beyond was a courtyard crisscrossed by paths of crushed stone. Arthritic pines leaned over the walls and swept their branches over softly curving rooflines. They paid their respects at the shrine and Daniel led the way through the garden around to the back, to the place he really wanted to show Kuroo. At the last moment, he felt suddenly self-conscious. Would Kuroo see the beauty Daniel saw in this place? It was not grandiose. It was not particularly well cared for. It was an old shrine, somewhat out of the way. The place was special to Daniel but could it be to someone else? It was hard to point out what made this place so peaceful. There were the old pine trees, bent from age and winter gales, bowing to the ground with infinite humility. There was a stone, half-covered with a velvety blanket of moss. There was a small bench, facing a patch of gravel where short scrubby grass crept up around the edges. This was the quietest place Daniel knew. He had wanted to offer it as a gift to Kuroo.   </p><p>Filled with uncertainty, Daniel sat on the bench and pulled one knee up to his chest. Kuroo moved slowly in a circle, looking all around them. He then approached the bench and tapped Daniel’s knee, indicating he should put his foot down on the ground. This startled Daniel enormously. Why was Kuroo demanding this? Did he do something wrong? Some inexcusable breach of manners or etiquette? All these thoughts were flitting through his mind as he numbly obeyed Kuroo’s request. He was very surprised then to see the other man sit down on the ground in front of him and lean back into his legs, resting his head on his knees. This made marginally more sense and Daniel felt himself relax just a little bit. He quickly but stealthily pushed his hands forward on his thighs so that his fingers would touch the black spiky hair. Only this way, he was not doing the actual touching but rather letting Kuroo touch him… he wasn't fooling anyone, least of all himself. He was a coward. </p><p>Kuroo leaned comfortably against his legs and tilted his head back, eyes closed. His legs were stretched in front of him and his hands rested on the ground, palms down, fingers splayed. He drew in a long slow breath and held it. Daniel looked on and took in a similar breath. His head filled with the resiny smell of the pines, potent in the misty air. He slowly relaxed and lifted his eyes from the back of Kuroo’s head to the trees around them. He dearly loved the sight of their feathery branches, the soft dark green needles that seemed to whisper silently. He startled again when he felt a low rumble through his shins. It took him a moment to realize that Kuroo was purring. There was just no other word for it. Daniel laughed out loud at the thought. “Enjoying yourself, are you?” he asked. </p><p>“Ever so much,” answered Kuroo. “Can you feel the mountain underneath us? This place is so very solid and still. You were absolutely right to think that I would like it. I do.” Daniel could not see Kuroo’s face but he could hear the smile in his voice. He then sighed again in this contented way that felt like a purr. </p><p>“It’s the trees that I love. Up here there is often some mist and they look so soft...” Daniel faltered, trying to put words on his feelings. He felt a deep affection for the trees. They were humble and bent yet their branches so easily touched the clouds.</p><p>“I’m not surprised. After all, you are the cloud-haired god… these trees love you right back,” that was a startling thing to hear, a strange thing to say. Yet Kuroo said it as a matter of fact and Daniel felt that it was true. It made him feel calmer than he had felt in ages and he slid his hands forward, twining his fingers through Kuroo’s dark locks for a moment. </p><p>“I’m glad you like it… I wasn't sure you would… I wasn't sure it would be enough...” Daniel hesitated again.</p><p>“Enough?! Daniel, my ‘secret garden’ is a grimy rooftop in the middle of town that smells of garbage and fried chicken. This is on a completely different level,” he jumped up to his feet and pulled Daniel up by the hand. “ C’mon, show me around!”</p><p>They walked along the paths. They sat on benches. They talked. They talked about ambition, about serenity, about choices and paths. About the roads that had led them here and the roads they may pursue beyond. Daniel felt that Kuroo did most of the talking and Kuroo felt that Daniel’s silences, the things he didn't say, spoke volumes. It was like a photo negative. The things unsaid drew a clear contour around the wounds Daniel kept pretending were not there. But today was not an occasion for dwelling on the dark and untold. Today was for the breathless excitement of discovery. Feeling skittish, Daniel shied from touching Kuroo on purpose. Occasionally the backs of their hands would brush and he’d jump at the sensation. But he didn't mind Kuroo touching him. He didn't mind at all. And so, little by little, he let their hands brush against each other. He let the knuckles interlace for a moment. He hoarded and catalogued each touch in his mind, saving it for the future.</p><p>Daniel was perpetually startled by Kuroo’s willingness to answer. Whenever Daniel asked what he thought was a cunningly probing question, Kuroo would answer well beyond what he had hoped for and leave Daniel dazed at the ease with which he plunged head-on into even the most personal subjects. “Tell me about your teammates,” Daniel would ask, hoping to learn more about Kuroo’s relationships. </p><p>“High school?” Kuroo asked. When Daniel nodded in confirmation, Kuroo smiled. “It really was the best. Most of us lived for the game. There was nothing else. Some of the guys on my team went on to play pro! I’m so very proud of them, proud to have played alongside them. Some quit to start jobs and careers and some, like me, keep playing but it’s not the same anymore. Still, I don't regret anything. A few years living at that intensity is worth 10 years to me. And it made it easier to figure out some things about myself. About what I wanted to do. About what I liked. About <em> who </em>I liked….”</p><p>“Volleyball made you gay?” Daniel asked in mock shock, clearly joking.</p><p>“No, you idiot” Kuroo laughed. “Volleyball took all my time and it was all I ever thought of. And being always surrounded by guys, always competing, always pushing each other, always close, so full of hormones, it was easy for things to… happen. Not that they were all gay, far from it,” he laughed. “Some were. Some were unsure. Some were just curious. And some were assholes that would corner you in the locker room and grope you and then make you feel like shit for it. And some of the upperclassmen were pretty open about it. I always admired them.” </p><p>“If you didn't play volleyball, do you think it would have been different?” asked Daniel.</p><p>“Different? No. But slower, more difficult perhaps,” mused Kuroo. “Not that it was easy… I never had time for a real relationship. I fooled around enough to know for sure but…” Kuroo ran his fingers through his hair and cast Daniel a sideways glance. “It was never more than a couple of dates or some intense... ahem… moments... during a training camp…” He seemed oddly embarrassed by this but Daniel found it terribly endearing. It gave Daniel the courage to tell his part of the story.</p><p>“Me, it was because of my sister. We’re twins, but she’s so bossy it’s really like she’s my older sister in many ways,” Daniel mused. “One day she was telling me off about my attitude and she said that no boyfriend of mine would ever put up with that kind of crap. When I started protesting the ‘boyfriend’ part, she just said ‘Oh, please! Daniel, you're gay.’ and when I tried to argue again she just raised an eyebrow and looked at me and that was the end of that. She was right of course,” he added. “She always is.”</p><p>“She sounds like an incredible person. I think I would like to meet her,” Kuroo mused.</p><p>“You're just saying that because you haven't met her. Trust me. She’s a fearsome thing,” answered Daniel with a laugh.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Contact</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>On the way down, Daniel chose a different road. One that swooped down back towards the town in wide curves, matching the swooping feeling in his chest. He felt Kuroo lean into him at every turn and thought the leather of his jacket and the noise of the wind, he thought could feel the young man laughing with the joy if it. An unseen smile, sharp and brittle as glass spread across Daniel’s face in response.</p><p>Once they were in town, Daniel pulled up to the supermarket near his place. He lifted his visor and turned around to Kuroo. “Do you want to get something to eat?”</p><p>Kuroo nodded in agreement and they stepped into the store. Daniel headed for the ready-made counter but Kuroo grabbed his hand and slowed him down. “Forget this crap. Let me fix you something.”</p><p>Daniel shrugged and followed Kuroo around the shop. He watched as he gathered packets of noodles, arcane jars and tiny bottles of condiments, adding a few things from the fresh produce section. It was all a mystery to Daniel. They drove carefully back and Kuroo set to work in the tiny, underused kitchenette. Daniel got a couple of beers out of the fridge and stood in a corner, keeping out of the way and watching Kuroo. The young man moved easily around the tiny space and Daniel was struck again by the air of control that Kuroo exuded. Less intense and focused than on the volleyball court, his lean, energetic body was nonetheless dominating the space, moving ceaselessly, precisely, taking things out of cupboards, chopping, mixing, stirring. He was moving again to the rhythm of some internal soundtrack and Daniel reached over and turned on the sound system. He swiped aside the insipid ‘coffee house vibes’ playlist his boss insisted he played during business hours and instead found his way to the classic jazz set he had lovingly assembled. It was soft and complex, moody and playful and he hardly ever had the heart to listen to it, at least not when he was sober.</p><p>Kuroo’s head bobbed appreciatively to the music and he flashed a smile at Daniel that had on him the effect of an incendiary device. Daniel drank his beer and watched as Kuroo deftly assembled a meal out of the controlled demolition in the kitchen. They put everything on a tray and carried it up to Daniel’s room. They sat themselves on the floor with the tray between them and began eating. </p><p>Daniel didn't cook because to him, eating was a chore. He was required to do it. He had promised. But there was no joy in it, only a grim obligation to do the strict minimum. Not eating had been one of the many stupid things he had done, and not even the most dangerous. But for some reason, it had been harder to shake than other self-destructive habits he had indulged in. Before he left, Leah had made him promise that he would keep a regular minimal intake. She was the only person that could ever extract such an oath from him. It had cost him dearly but he had kept it. By now, eating had ceased to be the act of daily self-violence it once had been and became merely an irritating obligation that punctuated his days and brought him no satisfaction. But tonight, sitting across from Kuroo, he found himself enthralled by the carefully layered colorful ingredients, by the aromas of spices rising from his steaming bowl, by the slippery feel of the soft fat noodles coated in a savory broth. Another new experience to be saved away...</p><p>Once finished with their food, they carried the tray back down to the kitchen and washed up. The space really was too small for both of them so Daniel took up his spot in the corner and helped occasionally, his eyes following Kuroo all the while. There was so little space, so much of it taken up by Kuroo’s energy, they constantly brushed against each other. With every touch, every casual contact, Daniel felt his skin set ablaze again and again. He didn't know what he wanted. He kept telling himself he didn't want anything at all, really. He wanted more. What for? He was fine as he was, on his own. He was fine. Finally, he could not hold back. He reached out to snag Kuroo’s hand, firmly, deliberately.</p><p>His breath came up short when Kuroo’s golden hawk-eyes pinned him with a gaze so intense, he felt like a moth in a display case. With those precise, controlled motions that served him so well on the volleyball court, the taller man (Gods, he <em> was </em>tall) turned to face Daniel. He switched the grip of their hands and now it was not Daniel holding his hand, it was Kuroo’s fingers wrapped around his wrist. Kuroo’s other hand came to rest on the wall, next to Daniel’s head. Daniel felt terrified, he felt reckless and elated. He reached a hand behind Kuroo’s neck and pulled him down to his mouth.</p><p>Earlier, the touches had set Daniel’s skin on fire. The kiss set him ablaze from the inside and woke in him that boundless dark hunger that had nothing to do with food. They tangled their breathless and confused way up the steep and narrow staircase, Kuroo’s mouth relentless on his lips, Daniel’s desperate fingers pulling, tugging, searching for skin, for the touch that fed the fire. </p><p>Daniel stood in the middle of his little room, his chest heaving, his eyes hungry, so hungry. Kuroo stood a short distance away, looking steadily at Daniel. Then, in one smooth motion, Kuroo pulled his tee-shirt over his head and let it fall to the floor. Daniel looked on, eyes enthralled by the smooth workings of his muscles, the broad expanse of his shoulders. Kuroo just stood there, shirtless and glorious, and Daniel’s hand reached out to him with a strange, supplicant gesture. There was hunger, and there was fear, and there was a strangely shy glimmer of hope in those green eyes. It took Kuroo’s breath away. He walked up to him and wrapped his arms around Daniel’s slight frame. Daniel melted into the embrace with a feeling that he had reached a place where he could belong. </p><p>Kuro pulled Daniel's tee-shirt off and laid his hands on Daniel's sides. He lowered his mouth to his collarbone and traced it softly with his lips. In his arms Daniel was already coming undone, his breath coming in fits and starts and tremors wracking his thin frame. Though he had no way of knowing just how love-starved Daniel was, the tremors beneath his fingers told him to tread carefully and he wanted to be gentle and kind. He gently pushed Daniel backward and down onto the bed. He propped himself up over him to take a good look at the young man’s unguarded face. Gods, he was beautiful: pale, ethereal, with cheekbones sharp as glass. Fragile as glass too. He kissed him gently, and then trailed his mouth down his neck, his collarbone, down the hard plane of his chest. His hand was already undoing the button on Daniel’s jeans, sneaking its way under the fabric. Kuroo pulled the jeans down and smiled at the sight of tender pale hair on pale skin. He put his lips on the tip of Daniel’s erection and licked gently. He then took him in his mouth. He felt Daniel buck under him, his hand desperately gripping Kuroo's hair. And the sounds he was making! Gods, it would not take long, by the looks of it. Better be careful then, he thought to himself. He wanted to be next to Daniel when he came, he needed to see his face when he did.  </p><p>Kuroo prowled his way back to Daniel’s side and bent down to kiss him. He could feel Daniel’s hands fumbling with the buckle of his pants. He propped up his hips to make the job easier and wriggled helpfully out of his pants. Daniel’s hands were already on him, feverishly exploring newly exposed skin.</p><p>In the end, it didn't take much. Skin touching skin, hips thrusting against each other, hand gripping hair, a groan rumbling deep in his chest... a breathless moan by his ear.</p><p>The sight of Daniel’s face was all he had hoped for. Under Kuroo’s gaze, his face seemed to shatter like glass and then come back together in a new arrangement, same but profoundly different. All at once, he looked younger, wiser, broken, and heroic. There was so much beauty there and so much pain, Kuroo toppled over and he came with his face pressed into the hollow of Daniel's throat.</p><p><br/>
_______________________<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Daniel felt dazed. But then again, it was becoming a common thing when he was around Kuroo. His mind felt fuzzy. His mouth pulled up in a lopsided smile at the thought that for once, <em> he </em> would be the cause of Kuroo’s bedhead. Was that a strange thing to be proud of? He felt Kuroo’s fingers tracing along his forearm, looking at his tattoos. Trees and constellations, pens and swords, crows and owls and cats, all bound together by meandering curving lines, like rivers or vines. Or knife strokes.</p><p>“Did you draw these?” </p><p>“Hmmm….? Yeah…” Daniel answered sleepily.</p><p>“They’re amazing…”</p><p>Daniel didn't answer. </p><p>“They’re just like you. Sharp. Complicated. Beautiful.”</p><p>Daniel scoffed and turned his face away. </p><p>“I know you don't think so but I mean it. Your hair is beautiful. And that scar makes you more beautiful. Not less.” </p><p>Daniel pressed his face into the pillow. He didn't want to hear that. Kuroo’s words were digging holes in his heart, dangerously close to those dark pits of self-pity and loathing. But Kuroo slid his hand under his cheek, his fingers tender and careful. He turned Daniel’s face to him and said: “Don't think I didn't notice how you always sit on my right so I won't see the scar. You don’t need to hide it.”</p><p>Kuroo's hand was on Daniel’s cheek, his thumb gently tracing the scar. “It’s just a scar. You are so much more than it, Daniel. And I don't care. I don't need to know where it came from. You don't have to tell me. Not now and, if you don't want, not ever.” </p><p>Daniel burrowed himself into the warmth of Kuroo’s embrace. It felt so good to feel him fitting so snugly around him. He wanted to sleep like this forever. His head was stuffed full of cotton, his thoughts drifting like dandelion fluff in the wind, without aim or purpose. “It was a car crash,” he heard himself say. “A truck basically parked on my face. My sister was there too. It broke her back. T-11 vertebrae. She’s in a wheelchair.” Daniel was a little shocked to hear himself say that, but in a distant, detached way. His own thoughts didn't seem to be connected to the words coming from his mouth. “We were 14,” he added quietly. </p><p>Kuroo didn't say anything but kept his arms wrapped around Daniel and held him. It was more than he had expected. It was not nearly enough. He would come to understand this fragile beautiful young man one day. Not today though. Today was enough for a celebration as it was. He felt the tension leave Daniel’s shoulders, his breathing slow and he could tell when the young man fell asleep in his arms. This itself was a victory. This hungry frightened animal trusted him enough to lie beside him and sleep. Kuroo buried his face in the cloud-soft locks and fell asleep as only the healthy, young, and confident can.  </p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Confessiosn</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Daniel woke as usual at daybreak, face pressed into his pillow. He felt a little groggy and at first, he wondered if he was hungover. His mind searched through sleep-hazed memories. Had he been drinking? Probably. Yes, he’d been drinking. And … eating…? noodles…!? Then the memories rushed back in a crashing wave of images: Kuroo in the stairs. Kuroo taking off his shirt. Kuroo’s mouth on him, Kuroo, Kuroo, Kuroo…</p><p>He nearly fell out of bed in his surprise. His insides curled into a tight ball and he looked over to see that magnificent bed-head right there, in his bed, along with the rest of Kuroo, still fast asleep. He gave himself a moment to admire the broad shoulders and narrow hips, the lean, well-defined muscles before slipping quietly out to shower. He let the water run over his face and felt embarrassment bloom in his stomach. He liked to think himself jaded about sex. It was nothing, really. Just some primitive needs one could take care of on one’s own… Yet last night he had behaved like a lust-struck teenager, dragging the young man to his bed... Lust had made him say things he didn't like saying. Nobody needed to know those things about him...  Nobody <em>wanted </em>to know. Kuroo had said so himself. Daniel’s mind carefully avoided thinking about the other things Kuroo had said, dismissing it in bulk as nothing more than sweet-talk. Yet despite his best efforts, the word ‘beautiful’ floated through his memory, spoken in Kuroo’s voice. He scoffed to himself. He dressed quietly and went downstairs to start his day.  </p><p>He was just beginning to wonder if he should go up and wake the damn rooster when noises from above told him Kuroo was up. Daniel moved behind the counter and started preparing a latte with an extra shot. It was ready just as Kuroo made his way downstairs. </p><p>“Hey,” Kuroo ran his hand through his hair, making it simultaneously worse and so much better.</p><p>“Hey,” answered Daniel. “I made you a coffee. Just the way you like it I hope,” Daniel smiled as he handed over the cup but Kuroo noticed the smile did not reach the eyes. “I guess you’d better hurry, huh? Classes and all?”</p><p>“Yeah…” Kuroo took the coffee and looked at Daniel over the rim of the cup. “I’ll text you, ok?” he asked.</p><p>“Sure!” Daniel answered brightly but Kuroo’s skin was suddenly cold. It all felt wrong. It felt like a door slamming shut. Daniel reached up and put a small peck on his cheek but when Kuroo tried to hold him, Daniel slipped away and busied himself with the coffee machine, that horrible, unfinished smile still on his face. </p><p>___</p><p>Daniel was feeling despondent. He closed the shop and turned out the lights. His phone was like a brick in his pocket. He was certain there was a text from Kuroo in there, probably more than one, but he didn't feel up to faking a cheerful, or even neutral response. He would continue doing what he’d done up until now: ignore him until he pissed him off and he went away. Perfect plan. Never failed him yet. </p><p>Fuck this. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to think about anything. Well, he knew how to do <em>that</em>. He thumbed his way to the playlist full of angry loud music and for good measure grabbed the whole six-pack of beer on his way upstairs. Earphones on, volume up, lights down, beer in hand, Daniel was methodical about getting thoroughly pissed. </p><p>His plan was working remarkably well and Daniel was sprawled on the floor, three steps away from finally passing out when he felt the earphones being pulled from his head. In terror, he scrambled blindly backward until his back hit the wall. He blinked repeatedly, trying to focus until the indistinct shape above him resolved into Kuroo’s unmistakable silhouette. “Fuck!!! … Fuck…! It's you,” Daniel spat. He closed his eyes and tried to swallow his pounding heart back down. “Fuck,” he added for good measure. “Why didn't you knock?”</p><p>“I did. Repeatedly. You didn't answer.”</p><p>“Exactly,” Daniel muttered with the stubbornness of a drunk. “How’d you get in, anyway?”</p><p>“Window,” Kuroo answered, pointing over his shoulder.</p><p>‘But it’s on the second floor!”</p><p>“It's right next to the garbage bin.”</p><p>‘But still, it’s like, what, 2 meters?’ Daniel asked incredulously. Kuroo shrugged. “Damn you, athletic freak!” </p><p>Daniel lifted the can up, intent on returning into his previous stupor as soon as possible but the can was disappointingly light. He reached over and grabbed one of the remaining two. He fumbled with the tab, popped it open, and took a swig. It was warm and disgusting but he was well past caring about such details. He eyed Kuroo as he seated himself on the floor, opposite him. Daniel reached for the last can and tossed it at Kuroo’s head. He wasn't sure if his aim was intentional or not. It didn't matter anyway. Kuroo’s hand came up and snatched the can out of the air without flinching and without taking his eyes away from Daniel. Damn volleyball reflexes, Daniel thought hazily to himself. “Why’d you break in, anyway? Desperate for another piece of my <em> beautiful </em>ass?” Venom was dripping from Daniel's words and burning holes in the floor. He was good at trash talk. He had years of practice at being crude, unfair, and hurtful.</p><p>Kuroo didn't react. He took a pull at his beer and answered calmly: “I was worried about you. I didn't like the way you acted the other morning and you didn't answer my texts since. So I came to check on you.”</p><p>“Oh, you shouldn’t have worried. I’m fine. I wouldn't kill myself over <em> you</em>,” The tone of Daniel’s voice made it clear the other, unspoken part of this sentence was “you’re not worth it.” Kuroo kept his eyes on him for a long while.</p><p>“Because getting shit-faced by yourself, in the dark is a hallmark of being fine,” said Kuroo as one of his eyebrows climbed out of sight.</p><p>“Shut up, Mr. Sports Illustrated. You don't want to know what I do when I’m <em>not </em>fine,” Daniel growled. He let that sentence hang in the air between them like a menace. </p><p>“I was hoping you’d tell me what I did wrong,” Kuroo said, watching Daniel cautiously. He felt as if he was trying to gentle a wild animal, all teeth and claws. He didn't mind the teeth marks, he came prepared for that. But a wrong move would send Daniel running and he may never let him approach again. He wondered for a moment if it was worth all this effort but then he thought of how Daniel's unguarded eyes had looked up at him across this very room and decided that he could not betray the tenuous sliver of hope he had glimpsed there.</p><p>“Oh, you didn't do anything wrong. In fact, you did everything right, didn't you?” Daniel snarled. “You got what you wanted, didn't you? You’ve got bragging rights for having boned the freak. The ghoul. What else do you want, a picture?” Daniel turned his face to show off his scar and let his mouth twist into a razor-blade sneer. “Here, take a picture. This is my good side.”</p><p>Kuroo’s heart twisted inside him. What was it that made Daniel think himself so unworthy of affection? “I didn't do it for bragging rights. I did it because I think you’re pretty amazing. And you’re not a freak. Stop saying that.”</p><p>“Bullshit,” Daniel scoffed.</p><p>“Daniel, I don’t know how else to say this but I like you. I like spending time with you. I like your sense of humor. You’re incredibly smart, too, and talented. And handsome. Beautiful.”</p><p>“Bullshit,” Daniel repeated stubbornly, not meeting his eye.</p><p>“Why?” Kuroo didn't know if he’d said too much or too little. He was not good at this. All he knew was that he hated seeing Daniel shut him out. Every answer seemed like another wall thrown up against him. He hoped there was a little crack somewhere and he could find his way in, and reach Daniel and make him understand...</p><p>“Because it’s bullshit. I don’t need you. I don't need your concern. I don’t need your <em> pity </em>!”</p><p>“What if I need you?” </p><p>“Bullshit. I’m too high maintenance. You’ll see that soon enough if you’re too stupid to see it already. And then you’ll find yourself someone else to <em>need</em>. Because nobody wants <em>this</em>,” he gestured vaguely to himself.</p><p>“You’re wrong.”</p><p>“Fuck off, Kuroo. I don’t want this. I can’t handle this.”</p><p>Kuroo sat and looked and wondered what else he could do. He had no other thoughtful arguments. Besides, Daniel didn't look like he was in the mood for thoughtfulness. “Daniel, I care about you. I’m here because I want to know what’s wrong. If you want to talk, I’m here,” Kuroo thought this was pointless. The man clearly didn't want to talk. Kuroo got up off the floor and said: “I’m here Daniel. Remember that.” he made to leave, but Daniel's hand shot out and took his wrist. He let go very quickly and didn't look up at Kuroo but from his downturned face came a single whispered word : </p><p>“...Stay?”</p><p>That was all Kuroo was hoping for. He returned to his seat on the floor across from Daniel and waited.</p><p>“You know how I got the scar?”</p><p>“Car accident. You told me.”</p><p>“I said 'car crash'. It’s an accident when you’re minding your business and out of nowhere a truck without brakes comes at you.” Daniel said with a strained voice. “It’s not an <em> accident </em>when your parents are so busy arguing and yelling at each other that they drive straight through a red light and don't even realize it until there’s a fucking truck in the back seat!” </p><p>The words were tossed like a Molotov, something that would only blow up in Kuroo’s face if he tried to look at it… Kuroo sat very still. He watched as Daniel’s breathing quickened and words spilled out. </p><p>“When we were in the hospital, they were constantly there, saying how sorry they were, how much they loved us. But as soon as they were out the door, they would keep arguing. Worse than ever. Now they were blaming each other for what happened to us. They were in a competition of guilt and blame and loathing. I asked them to stop... I <em> begged </em>them! They kept saying they would do anything for us. Anything to undo what had happened. Anything except that… I cried myself hoarse begging them. I ripped the stitches out of my face. Twice. I was willing to try anything to make them care. They were wondering if I needed to be put on suicide watch when Leah finally came out of the ICU. She looked at them once, she looked at me and she told me to shut up. And I did. I didn't say a word for the three weeks we stayed in the hospital.”</p><p>---</p><p>Daniel’s eyes quickly flicked to Kuroo’s face but didn't linger there. Kuroo kept his face carefully neutral even though his insides twisted with pity. Daniel dropped his gaze back to his fine long fingers in his lap and continued, almost against his will. “It only got worse after that. Leah was going through rehab like it was a competition but it was obvious she’d never walk again. Our parents carried on like before. Dad kept working like mad, spending all his time in his office and mom started million new projects and was never home. They kept blaming each other when they thought we weren't listening. Finally, they couldn't stand each other and they separated. Mom moved out west. We moved with her. Leah enrolled in online college classes and got busy. By the time she was 18, she was freelancing and working from home. Her home. She moved out on her own when mom decided she needed to ‘expand her horizons’ and moved for a year to Barcelona. I moved back to New Jersey for a while and then moved out by myself. I pretended I could do like Leah and have a life...it didn't work out...I nearly died again...” Daniel looked up and his eyes were empty and hard. “No, that’s not right… I didn't nearly die. I nearly killed myself.” He looked hard at Kuroo, daring him to show pity. “I only talked to Leah at that point,” he continued. "I was in college but I stopped going to classes… dropped out. I was … not well. Leah called me almost every day. One day, I didn't answer. I didn't call back. After a few days, she was worried enough that she got on a plane and came up to see me. Do you have any idea how hard it is to do all that in a wheelchair? She came up to my apartment and she found me passed out on the floor. She called an ambulance and stayed with me for the trip to the ER. <span>When I came around, she asked  an orderly to lift her onto my bed. When he left, slapped me round </span>the face and told me that if I wanted to run away from my problems, I should do it sober and if I wanted to kill myself, I’d better have the courage to look myself in the eye and not take the easy way out and stoning myself into oblivion. She never was one to dance around issues,” he chuckled humorlessly. “But she was only part right, I wasn't <em>trying </em>to kill myself… it was accidental. But that’s when my hair started turning white… nobody knows why though.” He pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them. He started to rock slightly and his breathing was fast and uneven. “So now you know what’s wrong. I’m a mess Kuroo. I’m a fucking disaster and if you have any sense you’ll walk out from here and never come back.” </p><p>He kept rocking back and forth and his breathing was completely haywire. <span>This was unpleasantly familiar to Kuroo. He had sat countless times by the side of his childhood friend while a panic attack wreaked its havoc. </span>Daniel was panting quick hopeless breaths until Kuroo thought he’d pass out and then he stopped breathing… his mouth was open and his eyes were panicked but he couldn't draw a breath. Kuroo moved to his side and put a hand on his back, rubbing slowly. He knew that Daniel’s body would eventually overrule his panicked mind and would remember how to breathe. But the seconds until that great shuddering breath were endless. Finally, it came and Daniel slumped, breathing fast and shallow again. Kuroo’s hand resumed its course across his back. Gods, his skin was so cold! He could feel it through the fabric of the tee-shirt. Throwing all caution by the roadside he gripped the shoulders and heaved Daniel partway onto his lap. He tensed, waiting for retaliation but Daniel was inert, letting himself be handled like his body wasn't his. His breathing was slowing though. He chanced a look down at the face now cradled in his lap. Features slack, eyes open, lights out. Nobody was home… he bent down to catch Daniel’s eye but the green eyes just slid off him without a glint of recognition. He willed his hand to infuse some life back into Daniel, to wake him up from this non-sleep. His stomach was clenched with worry. He’d seen the aftermath of a panic attack before but it still scared him. It was frightening to see a person, someone he cared about, so completely checked out from their body. Acting on impulse rather than any kind of plan, Kuroo took off his hoodie and slipped it over Daniel’s shoulders, struggling with his unresponsive body. He didn't bother with the sleeves, just bundled the young man in the cozy fabric, setting the hood around his neck. He then lifted him up and put him on the bed. He slid a pillow under his head, tucked the comforter around him, and sat down on the floor, his hand on top of the bedding. He could feel the rise and fall of breathing but Daniel’s eyes were still empty, unseeing. Kuroo sighed and shifted himself into a slightly more comfortable position. </p><p>There were so many broken pieces that made up Daniel and he had no idea how to fit them back together. He wasn't even sure if he should try… But he couldn't help it. Maybe it was selfish of him but he wanted to see more of that look in Daniel’s eyes. That look that made him feel he was the only man on earth and the center of all of Daniel's hungry hopes. He wanted to have him in his arms again, trusting, comfortable, and satisfied. He wanted to feel that way again. And again. And again. But not at any cost. He was beginning to feel very guilty. He had thought that he had been careful. He didn't think he had pressured Daniel into anything he didn't want to do. He had been careful to give him time and space to reconsider, he hadn't pushed, had given Daniel ample opportunity to stop if he wanted to… So how did something that had felt so damn good turn into something so bad? </p><p>Daniel had had his love betrayed by the people who were supposed to love you no matter what. He had been too young, too passionate to see beyond his hurt, to see that the fault did not lie with him but with those stubborn, selfish and imperfect people he called his parents. He was betrayed and hurt and he would hurt and betray in return. He lashed out relentlessly, shutting down every attempt at love, kindness, or even civility until he wore them down into submission. Until they stopped trying. Until he himself believed that he was unlovable. And this was the only way he could reconcile his mind. He’d made himself believe that the other night was nothing but a cruel joke.</p><p>Kuroo ran both his hands through his hair. This was so infuriating. Daniel had told himself these things so many times, for so long, he was unable to believe otherwise. If only he could see himself through Kuroo’s eyes! If only he could see… but where Kuroo saw beauty, Daniel saw a freak. Where Kuroo saw thoughtful, Daniel saw boring. Where Kuroo saw enticing, amazing, surprising, and mysterious, Daniel saw bland, repulsive, worthless, and weird. On one thing they agreed though. They both saw Daniel was broken. But where Daniel himself saw only ruin and trash, Kuroo saw a complex and beautiful thing, worthy of attention, care, and love. </p><p>After a long while, he looked at Daniel to see that his eyes were closed. His breathing had the slow and steady rhythm of sleep. He allowed himself the smallest touch, his fingers brushing a strand of hair away from Daniel’s forehead. He said very quietly to himself: “Please let me… Let me care for you.  Just… let me love you?” He would find a way… If Daniel had built up these walls, he could tear them down. They would do it together…  </p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Incomplete</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Daniel slept and dreamt of a tree. He was lying on the ground looking up at the swaying branches, the multitude of leaves moving in unison, like a school of tiny fish. The air smelled like lemongrass and sunshine and tea. The tree was growing out of his chest and his arms were spread on either side of him, fingers digging in like roots, gripping the ground. He felt his heartbeat travel up the trunk and into every tiny branch. The silvery leaves pulsed with his heartbeat. He took a deep breath and as he let it out, all the leaves darted off in unison, like the fish that they were. Daniel was left staring at the tree and he was struck by the naked beauty of it, the perfect shape of the crown, the delicate tracery of branches. An unseen peacock was crying somewhere in the distance. He drifted on into dreamless sleep but a faint smell of lemongrass and tea still lingered in his head.</p><p>When daybreak came and dragged his consciousness back into his body, Daniel felt broken. He felt as if some fundamental pieces of his being had been ripped out, disconnected, slapped around, and haphazardly tossed back inside him. He tried to get out of bed but his arms refused to work. It took him a moment to realize it was because they were restricted by fabric, another moment to wiggle himself into a position that allowed him to raise his arms and lift the fabric over his head. As he did, a whiff of lemongrass filled his nose. He looked around. He had a fairly clear memory of how his night had begun but as he looked, he could see no beer cans, none of the usual attending wreckage. He didn't remember getting into bed. He looked at the clothing he’d just taken off. An unfamiliar black hoodie with red markings. He had no idea how he came to wear it but he knew who it must belong to. Gods, he hated that feeling, how his memories were lumped and melted together, shapeless and ugly, like a piece of plastic left too close to the fire.</p><p>He showered quickly and went to attend to the most urgent part of his day: coffee. He felt a little better with a cup in his hands but he still couldn't shake the wobbly feeling that he’d been knocked off his axis. He tried to remember anything from last night but the bits he managed to recall didn't make much sense. He decided that for now, he didn't want to give a fuck about that. For now, he would focus on one thing only: coffee. He would drink it, he would smell it, he would make it. And with some luck, that would get him through the day and then he’d sleep. Rinse and repeat. He didn't believe a word of it. But one thing at a time. For now, coffee and no fucks given. </p><p>---</p><p>Kuroo was running along the beach. It was so early that the beach and boardwalk were completely empty and the town was yet to stir awake. There was a lonesome light in the window above the coffee shop. Kuroo looked away. He focused on the sound of his steps, and the steady rhythm of his breathing. But no matter how hard he tried to focus on the immediate around him, his thoughts kept straying. The rush of his own breath made him think of Daniel's frantic gasps against his skin… The recollection brought with it a physical sensation so intense that he nearly stumbled. </p><p>He sped up until he was running full-out, until there was no room in his head for anything except the conscious effort of putting one foot in front of the other, faster, faster, until all he could feel were his legs moving, his lungs trying desperately to keep up and his heart beating madly somewhere two steps ahead of his body… Finally, his legs could no longer keep up with his mind and he let himself stumble and fall on the sand. He rolled onto his back, arms spread wide on either side and gasped for breath as he tried to corral his internal organs back into a semblance of cooperation. </p><p>The sand was cold. He needed to get up and cool down properly or else he’d be stiff. He kept looking at the featureless sky. He needed to get up and start moving. He needed to see Daniel. This was the worst idea ever. He needed to get his head on straight. He needed to get up and start walking. He <em>needed </em>to see Daniel. There never really was any choice at all. He heaved himself up, brushed off the sand, and started walking briskly back. He pulled out his phone and quickly tapped out a message:</p><p>(I’m having some trouble with my studies. I’d like to come by the shop tonight)</p><p>He put his phone away and sped up to an easy jog, his legs complaining back to him, calling him a complete idiot. </p><p>---</p><p>Daniel’s day was trickling by just like the previous one, slowly, uneventfully. He was not looking forward to closing time. There would be no relief in sight. He would try to eat something and go upstairs to pore over his work until his eyes itched. He'd then try to sleep until it was time to rise and start over again. He felt his phone vibrate in his back pocket. He stopped breathing. Or maybe he finally managed to start breathing… He slowly took it out and looked at the short message.</p><p>(I’m having some trouble with my studies. I’d like to come by the shop tonight)</p><p>He was not asking. Just like with everything else, Kuroo made it clear what he wanted but he did not ask. He let Daniel decide for himself. He could easily answer. Just two letters would put an end to it. But Daniel found he didn't want to do that. He wasn’t certain what had happened that night, what he told Kuroo but he felt it had been a lot… And yet, here he was, wanting to come over, wanting to spend time together… Daniel didn't know if he was allowed to say that he missed the man: they had met a grand total of 5 times and one of those encounters he barely remembered but the one before… at the mere thought of that other night he felt his stomach muscles tense and suddenly he needed to take a deep breath. </p><p>---</p><p>Daniel was still behind the counter even though he had long finished his cleanup. He kept going through the motions, finding things to wash and clean. Anything to keep busy. Finally, the knock he’d been waiting for resounded across the shop. His eyes shot to the front door but the early fall dusk made the windows a mirror and he could only see his own startled reflection. He rushed to the door and yanked it open. Outside was Kuroo. He was wearing a crisp white shirt, a striped tie, and a black coat that fitted neatly over his broad shoulders. The top shirt button was undone and the tie seemed to have lost battle and now was hanging loose. He was wearing thick-rimmed glasses and he looked absurdly handsome.</p><p>Daniel kept staring at him so Kuroo spoke up: “Hey, the store was all out of sacrificial goats so I brought you some fruit…” ...and one very willing virgin, Kuroo added, but only in his head. The fruit joke was feeble but Daniel quirked a little smile anyway and that made it better. He put the small container of cherries in Daniel’s hands. He was starting to feel a little strange under Daniel’s scrutinizing gaze and he shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot.</p><p>“What’s the occasion? A french horn recital?” Daniel joked gesturing at Kuroo’s outfit. He was trying to stop staring but damn, the man looked <em>fine</em>. Seeing Kuroo’s eyes widen behind his glasses he quickly added “Just kidding. I’ve never seen you in a tie before, that’s all.”</p><p>“Ah, yeah, I was meeting with my academic advisor today. Trying to make a good impression, you know?”  He grinned and ran a hand over the back of his head, ruffling his rooster feathers into glorious disarray.</p><p>“I bet it worked,” Daniel smiled. Then, suddenly feeling self-conscious he dropped his eyes to the floor. Kuroo made him relax just by being near and made him say things he didn't think he’d say… He nodded towards their usual table. “Coffee?” he asked. Kuroo agreed.</p><p>“So, what's the problem?” Daniel asked as he brought the coffee and sat across from Kuroo. The young man had shed his coat and rolled up his shirtsleeves. On his toned body the effect was astounding, all casual elegance that made Daniel hold his breath for a moment.  </p><p>“Truth is, I’m not really having any problems, other than finding a quiet place to study. I just wanted to see you… so here I am, being sneaky as hell about it…” Kuroo chuckled a little but his insides were churning. He didn't know what to expect but he felt that honesty was the best policy. It was his only policy. </p><p>Daniel looked at Kuroo from across the table. He was quiet for a long time. “I wanted to see you too…” he said, looking down at the table.</p><p>Kuroo felt a flash of heat inside him that could have powered half a city block. He smiled and dropped his eyes to his work. He was a little startled when Daniel got up and went upstairs. After a minute he returned with his laptop and a pile of papers. He settled himself across from Kuroo and got to work.</p><p>They sat in companionable silence for a long while, each immersed in his work. Once again Daniel felt Kuroo’s presence calming him. He was here. He wanted to see him. He didn't ask anything. It was good. Daniel stole a glance across the table. He wanted to touch his finely muscled forearms, slide his fingers up to the rolled-up sleeves… Before his thought migrated any further south he got up and went to the fridge. He returned with two sandwiches on a plate. Kuroo smiled gratefully and pushed his books away.</p><p>He took a sandwich and pointed to Daniel’s computer. “Your thesis?” he asked. When Daniel nodded he continued: “I thought a thesis would involve a lot more lab work.”</p><p>“Lab work is long finished. This is data analysis, “ Daniel explained. “Trying to sort through the reams of data, eliminating random effects, confounding factors, trying to tease meaning out of apparent chaos,” Daniel explained and suddenly felt stupid. “It’s boring stuff…” he hedged. Kuroo thought that anything that lit up Daniel’s eyes like that could not possibly be called boring but he could not find a way to say that out loud so he just shook his head. </p><p>Daniel wanted to return to their previous quiet companionship but a worry was gnawing at his insides. For the life of him, he couldn't remember what he’d told Kuroo the other night. He knew he talked, but he couldn't sort out how much of it was only in his head and how much had made its way out of his mouth. He couldn't decide if Kuroo was here because he hadn’t said the things he thought he’d said, or was he here despite having heard them?... His head was hurting and his stomach was tied up in knots. “Kuroo…. What did I tell you the other night?” Daniel hesitated but there was no going back. He needed to know. “I don’t remember…” Shame burned his insides. </p><p>“A lot.” Kuroo looked at Daniel with worry in his eyes. “It felt like... everything. I imagine it must have been hard... And if you don’t remember much… I don’t want you to have to go through it again. But I also don’t want you to go on wondering what it was you said. So how about this: I tell you what it was and you don't have to say anything more, unless I’ve got something wrong, ok?”</p><p>Daniel put a foot on the bench and hugged his knee. He seemed to grow smaller under the weight of his memories. But he nodded. A small curt nod to show he was ready. So Kuroo sat on the bench next to him and retold what Daniel had blurted out in his furious tirade. He retold it slowly, systematically. His voice seemed to take some of the sting out of those memories. When he was done, he leaned slightly into Daniel's shoulder and asked “Did I get it right?”</p><p>Another curt nod. Daniel’s face was hidden, his forehead propped on his knee. Kuroo decided it was time for him to try and break down some of the walls. He reached out and put a hand on Daniel’s back. He let it roam in a circle, soothing the tension he could feel under his palm. He let the hand slide over the shoulder and pulled Daniel against his side. He was rewarded by Daniel’s face nuzzling up into his shoulder and a hand wrapping around his waist. He moved his hand slowly over the shoulder, rubbing gently, carefully. They were just two friends, sitting side by side, holding on to each other, right? </p><p>He relished the press of Daniel’s face against his shoulder but the feel of his breath going through the fabric of his shirt and warming his skin made him swallow hard. He wanted to kiss Daniel very badly. He wondered if it would be OK. He wondered if Daniel would want him to. Would he answer if asked? He was so lost in his thoughts that he almost missed Daniel’s hand tugging his shirt at the waist, trying to find a way under. Startled, he turned to face Daniel. His face was still buried against Kuroo’s shoulder but he pulled away and looked up when Kuroo nudged his head. “Daniel...?” Before he could figure out how to ask his question, Daniel’s other hand landed on his chest and his mouth rose to his. All questions were blown away and the only thing he could feel, the only thing his mind would focus on was Daniel’s mouth working against his, Daniel’s fingers curled in his shirt. </p><p>Kuroo slid his hand into the soft white hair on the nape of his neck. Reason abandoned him, leaving behind only desire, coiled fast in his stomach. He twined his hands through the soft hair, ran his thumbs across those glorious cheekbones, and kissed him as if the world was ending. </p><p>Gods, he wanted Daniel so bad. He wanted his slight, hard body under him, he wanted his eager hands searching him, he wanted those hungry eyes looking only at him. He wanted to love Daniel and he wanted to love him well. </p><p>But then another thought wormed its way through the fog in his brain. He wanted to be good to Daniel, he couldn’t hurt him. And he didn’t want to do anything that would make Daniel hate himself come morning. Though the hot breath against his skin and the fingers clutching him tight made it very hard to stay focused, he tried desperately to find a way to make sure it would be all right. But asking a question at this point would only make Daniel feel like he didn’t want to be here with him. He couldn’t think clearly. He only wanted to keep going. But his conscience would not leave him be. He pulled away from the kiss, resting his forehead against Daniel’s. He struggled for breath and tried to think of something to say. </p><p>Daniel was gripping his shirt like a drowning man. His mouth was working, trying to string words together but his voice was not there. At last, he managed, very quietly, hardly above a breath: “Can you... can you stay?”</p><p>Finally, Kuroo found the right words to say. A simple question, a simple answer. But it was the right answer, the one thing he’d been trying to say. He kissed Daniel deep and hard and answered: “I can... I can stay... I <em> will </em>stay... I will stay with <em>you</em>,” he said, returning to claim his mouth in between.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Drowning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The climb to the little room above the shop became Kuroo’s own personal pilgrimage. He would climb these steps on his knees if asked. But it was like a climb to the clouds when he had Daniel clinging to him every step of the way. Now that he knew he was wanted, his mind was at ease and he was eager to please. </p><p>When they made it to the top of the stairs, he backed Daniel against the wall and let his mouth and his hands explore. Daniel’s parted lips invited him and he wandered in, his tongue an eager explorer, discovering new worlds. His hands traced lightly over Daniel’s sides, grazing at the waist of his jeans, sliding lower along his thighs, then back up again to slide between the wall and Daniel’s ass. His fingers clutched at the flesh underneath.  When Daniel arched his hips, bucking into him, he grabbed a thigh and hitched it over his hip, grinding back. The strangled, breathless gasp that followed was the sound of heavens opening above. </p><p>He looked at Daniel’s sea-glass colored eyes, his flushed face, and his kiss-bitten lips. He sought his hands and brought them up to his mouth and kissed them gently. He wanted to touch and taste and worship every part of this beautiful man. Releasing Daniel’s hands to let them get on with their own exploring, he combed his fingers through the white curls. He was hopelessly besotted with Daniel’s hair. He let his mouth follow his hands and revel in the feathery softness.</p><p>He was so engrossed in this that he did not notice that Daniel’s hands had moved on from exploring to conquering and were now unbuttoning his shirt. When his chest was laid bare enough for Daniel to slide in his hands, they were followed closely by his mouth, searching until they found his nipple. When Daniel’s lips closed over the hard little nub, when his tongue nudged it, Kuroo could not keep a deep growl from escaping his mouth. He grabbed both of Daniel’s thighs and hooked them over his waist. Holding the young man in his arms, he walked cautiously to the bed and tried lowering them down gently. But between their eagerness and the way they clung to each other they just tumbled down in a hopeless tangle.</p><p>Kuroo put both his hands flat on the bed on either side of Daniel and leveraged himself up to take a good look. If the only thing he was allowed to do tonight was to just look at this lovely face beneath him, he’d be a happy man. But he knew that tonight so much more lay ahead. </p><p>Kuroo pushed himself up and sat back on his heels. He undid his tie and pulled it slowly away. Daniel sat up across from him. Kuroo’s shirt was mostly unbuttoned already so he pulled it out of his pants to get to the last buttons. He enjoyed undressing for Daniel, liked how his lovely green eyes hungered for him, how his hands twitched as if he could barely keep them from reaching out to touch him... </p><p>Daniel sat looking at the young man in front of him. The sight of him made him hungry like food never did, it was a physical craving that would only be satisfied by embracing, touching every inch of his skin, holding on as tightly as he could... it was as if he had a Kuroo-shaped hole inside him and this was the only way he could be made whole.</p><p>When Kuroo grabbed the sides of his shirt to take it off, Daniel rose to his knees and put a hand on his shoulder. He let it slide down the length of Kuroo’s bicep, taking the shirt down as it went. His lips touched the exposed shoulder and trailed up the slope to the base of his neck. His lips on the warm skin, the smell of tea and lemongrass... Daniel felt some of the emptiness within him fill with these sensations. His fingers were caressing and clutching at the muscles of his upper arms but his lips traveled up Kuroo’s neck until they rested just below his hard jaw. Kuroo had lifted his head to give him better access and now his head was tilted back with abandon, his eyes half-closed, his mouth open. When Daniel laid a kiss and nipped the skin softly with his teeth, a deep sigh escaped Kuroo’s lips. Daniel moved to Kuroo’s other side and reversed the path his lips had taken, this time from his jaw down his neck and onto his shoulder, sliding the shirt off.</p><p>He sat back and looked at his work: There was his golden-eyed hero, sitting back on his heels, arms held back by the shirtsleeves, and his bare chest surging with panting breaths. It was a view so utterly and heartbreakingly beautiful that Daniel had to look away. There was just no way that this was his… A sight like this? A man like this? What had he ever done to deserve something so good? </p><p>Kuroo saw the exact moment the hungry light left Daniel’s eyes. He had no words for the desperate, pitiful sight of Daniel’s face at that moment. He had no words but he didn't need an explanation. He knew a drowning man when he saw one. He struggled a brief moment against the shirt holding him back and then he lunged ahead and wrapped Daniel in his arms. He held him tight, so thigh, one hand cupping the back of his head and rocked softly on his knees. “I’m here Daniel. I’m here… I’m here with you… I’m staying here,” he kept saying, rocking the man in his arm. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying with you,” he made the words into a mantra, using it to bring Daniel back. After a while, he eased his hold and put a hand under Daniel’s chin.”Look at me,” he said. When Daniel’s eyes slowly met his, he said: “Daniel, I’m not going anywhere. I’m here because I want to. Because I need you. I’ll stay with you. Don’t you <em>dare </em>doubt that” he finished, leaning in so close their noses almost touched. Daniel’s eyes were blown wide and looking at him. His lips worked slowly, mouthing a word that Kuroo understood even without a sound…</p><p>“...Why?...”</p><p>“Because I want to be here. I can’t keep away from you. I don’t want to. I’m staying. No catch. No conditions. Do you want me to?” Daniel swallowed visibly and nodded, keeping his eyes on Kuroo’s. “Then I’ll stay. Please trust me… I won’t hurt you… I never could,” Kuroo wrapped his arms around Daniel once again and brought them down onto the bed. They lay side by side and he kept Daniel close to his chest, his hands caressing him slowly. He was in no rush. He was where he wanted to be, in bed with his cloud-haired prince. Whether now they just held each other close and slept, or talked all through the night or had the most mind-blowing sex of his existence, he would be happy, as long as the man in his arms was happy too. </p><p>---</p><p>Kuroo’s hands were irresistibly drawn to Daniel’s hair. He closed his eyes and let his fingers run through it, he toyed with the little locks at the nape of his neck, he swept them away from his temples…. There was a whole world under his fingers, and he intended to have it all committed to memory… </p><p>Daniel’s hands lay on Kuroo’s skin and he felt as if some of the warmth was seeping into him through his fingertips. He loved the soft expanse of Kuroo’s skin, firm and smooth and warm. His hands slowly expanded their search, from the shoulders and wide chest to the tight hard grooves of his stomach… they were all delightful to explore, discover, trace but his fingers strayed again to his well-defined abs… what a treasure that was! He pushed lightly on Kuroo’s shoulder until the young man was flat on his back and Daniel had unfettered access to all that glorious skin. He put his cheek on Kuroo’s chest and let his fingers trace patterns on Kuroo's abs, circle his navel and then run gently through the dark hair trailing a path to the waistline of his pants. Kuroo was evidently enjoying this attention because a deep purr was rumbling through his chest. Daniel smiled into his skin and continued his caresses, his fingers straying more often towards the waistline of Kuroo’s pants where a tell-tale bulge showed just how <em>much </em>Kuroo was enjoying this. </p><p>Daniel pushed himself up and threw one leg over Kuroo’s hip, straddling him and putting himself squarely on top of that bulge. Kuroo’s eyes flew open, and he gasped in surprise. He reached up and his hands went to Daniel's sides and slid up to remove his t-shirt. He held him down while his hips arched and pushed into Daniel. Oh, gods, it felt so good! He slid his hands up his back and pulled the young man down onto his chest, skin on skin, mouth on mouth. In due time, the rest of their clothing found its way to the floor and Kuroo was once again looking down at Daniel and now a question floated around Kuroo’s brain and made him a little uncertain. </p><p>The fact was that Kuroo had reached the ripe age of 20 while remaining technically a virgin, at least in <em>that </em>way. He was not innocent though and had a very good idea of what he’d like to do… it’s just that the way his life was and the way his relationships had gone, he never really had the chance to go past hand jobs and blow jobs, both given and received, and some highly effective sessions of mutual bump and grind. And now that the opportunity to go beyond that was definitely within reach, he suddenly felt terribly inexperienced and, well, a bit of a virgin. He was where he wanted to be, with Daniel’s beautiful sharp body under him and his thighs on either side of him and his hands on his skin and things could not be more perfect, except perhaps they could? Maybe Daniel was expecting more? The thought had him flustered for a moment, and then he told himself that whatever Daniel may be expecting, on a purely technical level, he simply wasn't prepared for more. But he knew enough to make damn sure Daniel enjoyed whatever they did today. </p><p>Loving Daniel could be a minefield but he was fully prepared to learn to navigate it and make sure they would always safely find their way to this place. And by gods, next time he would be prepared and when Daniel wanted more, he’d be there to give him what he needed. For now, he did what felt right: he kissed and caressed Daniel, he pressed his hand into his surging cock and enjoyed every sigh, swallowed every moan, kissed his face and his eyes, and slowly worked him up. And all along, Daniel’s hands were equally relentless, working him with a skill that would have surprised him, had he had enough of his mind left to wonder about such things. But as it was, they were both happy with the way things were and happily brought each other to completion. As they lay in each other’s arms the tiny room above the coffee shop briefly became the center of the universe and all they ever could care for was to be found within its warm confines.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Gifts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sleep came easily that night. As Daniel snuggled in Kuroo’s arms and sank into a quiet dreamless sleep, Kuroo held him close and promised himself he’d not let go all night. He vowed to wake up along with Daniel and to make certain the demons of doubt and self-loathing would not claim him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As earnest as his wish was, his body was not eager to cooperate. Years of intense physical activity, early wake-ups, and late-night practice sessions had left him used to falling asleep with complete abandon whenever he could and sleeping soundly until his alarm dragged him, grumbling and kicking, back to consciousness. So it was no surprise that Daniel was the first to wake at dawn, as usual. As his eyes opened, right there, in front of him was Kuroo’s sleeping form. Daniel propped himself up on his elbow and let his eyes take in the view. Kuroo’s back was to him and he couldn’t help but touch. Kuroo’s body was a thing of almost overwhelming beauty to him: in the early morning light, it was all burnished golden skin and lean, efficient, well-defined muscles. He put his hand on a shoulder blade and ran his fingers down the thick cord of muscle along the spine. Warm, firm and so powerful under his fingers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A wanting of a quieter kind stirred in him and he leaned in close, fitting his body along the curves of Kuroko's back, resting his face in the crook of his neck. He pressed his lips to the warm skin and just breathed in Kuroo’s smell. This was his personal heaven of tea and lemongrass and he could not think of anything else he’d want more than this. He felt Kuroo stir awake and turn to him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,” sleep-mussed and warm, a soft smile on his lips, Kuroo wrapped an arm around Daniel and pulled him close.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey…” Daniel burrowed his face into the other man’s shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kuroo put a hand to his chin and gently pulled him up until he could put a kiss on his brow, followed by a few more, softly trailing his lips over Daniel’s face. He pulled away until his golden eyes were looking into Daniel’s and he saw his smile returned. All was well in the world.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>---</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was Daniel’s day off but Kuroo would be busy all day with volleyball practice and schoolwork that desperately needed attending to. Daniel was on his own. As soon as the sun was up, he got on his bike and tore out of town. At first, the road passed through some small towns and he kept his focus on the traffic, dialing down the speed. But soon enough the towns were left behind and the coastal road opened up in broad turns. The air smelled of the sea and pines. Daniel felt himself slipping into that mindset where all his attention was focused on the road and the balance of his bike felt instinctive, where he could anticipate the turns and change gears with easy precision. It was a rare state of mind and it allowed him to clear his head of all conscious thought and just feel the road. It was the happiest he ever got to feel. Yet today that happiness felt familiar and brought with it the recollection of warm smooth skin and the smell of lemongrass.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The road became narrower, the coast more rugged. Soon, even fishing villages were few and far between. Daniel kept the speed up, leaning into the turns, his heart pounding until, after the turn-off for the last village, the road climbed in a sweeping turn to the top of a cliff and came to an end at a small gravel lot overlooking the sea. He dropped gears and pulled up in a shower of gravel at the top of the lookout. He killed the engine, pulled off his helmet, and sat on his bike with his eye closed, breathing in the smell of iodine-laden air. Pocketing the keys, he walked to the edge off the cliff and sat down, legs dangling over the churning dark water. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What was it about Kuroo that had him going to pieces like that? The man was handsome, that was undisputed. He was fun and smart, that helped. He had… other talents, too. But was that all? Daniel had known other people who were fun and handsome and good in bed. Yet none of these relationships ever made him feel like Kuroo did.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He thought back vaguely about his past experiences. It had been perhaps inevitable that, having convinced himself that love was just a myth, a fable for the foolish and weak, Daniel had instead rushed into sex. Being young and reckless and desperate, he had unknowingly attracted men who were looking for pretty, young, and vulnerable men like him. While he denied that he wanted love, his need for it was always obvious to those who knew how to look and was time and again taken advantage of and turned into a way to control him. He did not realize just how twisted and wrong all these experiences had been. Kuroo’s words echoed in his mind: ‘they’d corner you and they’d grope you and then make you feel like shit…’ except in his case it had been a lot more than a passing grope. “Don't you want to make me happy?”, “If you loved me you’d do what I ask.”, “I don't know why I waste my time with you, you’re such a wreck…” “I should have known you were too young to enjoy this.”, “You’re lucky to have me, no one else would bother with a freak like you…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His experience in matters of sex, while much more extensive than Kuroo’s, was hopelessly skewed. He knew a lot about the mechanics of sex, he was quite skilled at it, but he knew very little about the tenderness of a loving relationship. So it was little wonder that he had trouble putting words on his feelings. Being with Kuroo made him feel whole. It made him feel satisfied but in a way that was new to him. It was not only about the fulfillment that came in the frantic moments of release but the slow and steady contentment that made him cuddle and fall asleep in Kuroo’s arms without a second thought, in the way that waking up next to him no longer came with a feeling of shame and uncertainty in the pit of his stomach. He had to look long and hard before he found the right word to describe it: Being with Kuroo made him feel </span>
  <em>
    <span>safe.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Far along the horizon, a line of rain clouds threatened. Daniel watched for a while as they seeped into the pearly gray sky and then mounted his bike and rode back to town, faster than was reasonable, rain clouds chasing behind him. His phone was in his back  pocket, having sent a one-word message, laden with all his uncertainty, his need, and his fledgling hope:</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(come…?)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>---</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he pulled up behind his shop, the rain was only minutes behind. He barely had time to let himself in before the cold autumn downpour started coming down in incessant waves. No sign of Kuroo. His heart sank. He slowly unlaced his boots and went to the kitchen. He pulled out a few things from the fridge but couldn't eat anything. He toyed with a knife, making it spin on the counter. The rain was coming down hard, beating against the shop windows. He almost missed the knock at the back door. He sprang to his feet and yanked open the door. Outside stood Kuroo, drenched to the bone. His incredible bed head, having defied sweaty workouts, bike helmets, and gravity itself, was finally plastered down to his skull by the cold rain. Daniel watched mesmerized as the raindrops trailed down his jaw and fell from his chin… then, coming to his senses he yanked Kuroo out of the rain. “You idiot, why are you all wet?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Umm… because it’s raining?...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know that! Why are you out in the rain, though?” Daniel was half laughing, half frustrated. Was the man trying to catch his death? “Gods, you’re freezing. Get in here and warm up. No, forget it, you’re all wet, go shower!” Daniel practically pushed Kuroo up the stairs. “What were you thinking?!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I got your text so I came over but you were still out so I decided to go for a run and… I got caught in the rain…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You're an idiot, you know that?” Daniel shoved Kuroo in the direction of the bathroom. “Get in there and don’t come out while there’s any hot water left, you hear me?” Daniel glared up at Kuroo.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jeez, you sure can be pushy,” answered Kuroo laughing. “C’mere,” he added and kissed the frowning man before stepping into the tiny bathroom. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Daniel was rummaging through his limited collection of clothing, mostly jeans, t-shirts, a few collared shirts, and a couple of sweaters. There was nothing there that would fit Kuroo. He suddenly dove for the back of his closet where a package sat unopened. It was a gift from his mother, a ridiculously oversized bathrobe. Perfect. He grabbed another fresh towel and turned to the bathroom. Outside the door, he hesitated a little… He decided to knock before letting himself in but he needn't have worried. Kuroo opened the door as soon as he knocked, surrounded by clouds of steamy air. He had a towel wrapped around his waist and took the one brought by Daniel gratefully to dry his hair. Daniel was transfixed for a moment by the battle of Kuroo’s hair against the towel. He handed Kuroo the bathrobe. “Here, put this on,” he ordered, thrusting the robe at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ok, ok,’’ laughed Kuroo. “Stop fussing, I’m fine!” He shrugged on the robe and smoothed his hair into its usual state of disarray. He smiled at Daniel and bent down to kiss him. “Thank you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Daniel leaned into the kiss and tried to smother the anxious feeling. He had no idea why the thought of Kuroo getting sick had sent him into such a frenzy. He had merely gotten cold and wet… But he couldn't stomach the thought of any harm coming to him… He had only been cold and wet… and now he was warm… and soft… and he smelled of Daniel’s own soap… and that smell on Kuroo’s skin was the most intoxicating thing Daniel had ever felt. He nuzzled his face in Kuroo’s neck and took in a deep breath, letting the smell fill him. This man… this man that had literally come running to him, as soon as he could, without asking questions. This man, who had been so patient and kind. This man, who always did his best to make him feel good, who didn’t ask for anything in return… who didn't see him as a freak… He was overwhelmed with a feeling of tenderness and gratitude and wanting and he let these feelings guide him without thinking, abandoning himself to them. His hand on Kuroo’s chest slid down, to the hem of the towel still wrapped around his waist. He tugged and let it fall to the floor. His face still in Kuroo's neck, he backed him against the bed and pushed until he sat down, with a little oomph of surprise. He leaned away slightly, looking into the golden hawk-eyes and licked his lips. He knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to make Kuroo feel </span>
  <em>
    <span>good</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He knew how to do that. He deserved this and Daniel would do his damn best to give him what he deserved.</span>
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<p>
  <span>He put his hands on Kuroo’s thighs and leaned in to kiss him. He drew away again and lowered himself onto his knees on the floor in front of Kuroo. He let his hands slide up his thighs and back down again until he hooked them behind his knees and tugged, making Kuroo slide closer to the edge of the bed. He looked up to see him leaning back on his elbows, his lips parted and his eyes open wide, looking astonished through the flop of dark hair. Daniel smirked a little and let his hands caress Kuroo’s thighs again. Hunger bloomed in his stomach. Kuroo’s body was irresistible to him. He leaned in and pressed his face to the inside of his thigh and trailed his tongue up, until he came to the junction, until he could feel the light dusting of hair against his cheek. He took a deep contented breath and moved on, until he felt Kuroo’s length, already at attention, pressing along his face. He let the tip slide along this cheek, following the trail of his scar, until it reached his mouth. He tipped his head and took him in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>---</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Daniel looked up and saw Kuroo fingers digging in, gripping the bedding as if for dear life, his head tipped back wildly and the muscles of his stomach spasming in rhythm with his pulls. He felt him quiver in his mouth, he pushed down deep, as far as he could, and felt his release, hot and throbbing, fill his throat and dribble a little down his chin. A choked yell escaped Kuroo’s mouth. He took it all in, swallowed hard, and stayed on him, drawing out the pleasure as long as he could. Finally, he felt Kuroo relax with a whimpered moan. He pulled away gently and sat back on his heels, one hand still on Kuroo’s thigh, the other wiping a dribble off his chin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kuroo looked down at him with his golden eyes blown wide and his mouth slightly open. He was still breathing hard and looking at Daniel with such absolute intensity that Daniel felt a little worried. He was sure he’d made it good for Kuroo. Right…? Was everything ok? Before he could even try to form a question, let alone say it out loud, he saw Kuroo propel himself clumsily off the bed and land on his knees, in front of Daniel. His hands were shaking as he reached for Daniel and pulled him into a bone-crushing hug, his head bowed into Daniel’s shoulder. He held and held, and held on so tight, his fist bunched in the shirt at Daniel’s back. Finally, he drew in a shuddering breath and pulled away, looking into Daniel’s eyes. “Daniel,” he gasped. “Daniel… I…” his eyes were roving Daniel’s face as if seeing him for the first time. “I… wh…” he seemed well and truly lost for words. He put his hands on the sides of Daniel’s face and ran his thumbs over his cheeks. He tried to smile but the effort of coordinating the work of so many muscles seemed to overwhelm him. Daniel reached up and kissed him and that seemed to bring some focus back. With a half-swallowed moan Kuroo responded. He kissed him deep and long and when they separated he tried again to say something. Daniel put his hand on Kuroo’s lips to stop him and smiled. “Shut up before you hurt yourself. Seems your brain has decided to take a little break. Sorry,” he chuckled and tried to pull Kuroo up by his hand. “C’mon, get back on the bed.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kuroo complied with an unfocused smile on his face. Daniel sat down on the bed and Kuroo gratefully flopped his head into his lap. He made sure the young man was well wrapped in the ridiculous bathrobe and ran his fingers through his hair. Kuroo blinked slowly up at him with a very cat-like expression. He took Daniel’s hand in his and brought the fine long fingers to his mouth. He kissed them and kept them pressed to his face. Daniel smiled and kept running his other hand through the dark hair. “Is it OK if you sleep here?” he asked, thinking it would be unspeakably cruel, not to mention incredibly difficult, to try and get the big cat out of his bed in his current blissed-out state. Kuroo nodded a little vaguely and just snuggled closer. Daniel was perfectly fine with that. He felt a curious sense of satisfaction that made him feel warm and quiet inside. He had given something to Kuroo. Something good, freely given, not traded or coerced through guilt. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In a little while, Kuroo was blissfully asleep but Daniel felt wide awake. He shimmied out from under Kuroo and covered him. He turned out all the lights but his little desk lamp and set to work. His attention was focused on his screen but he remained aware of Kuroo’s sleeping presence just a few steps behind him. It was a comfortable feeling and Daniel worked steadily as the night went on. It was well past midnight when Daniel rose from his desk and turned to go to bed. As he undressed, he looked over to his bed and smiled. Kuroo had somehow wiggled himself out of the stupid bathrobe and slept as usual on his stomach, in glorious abandon, only partially covered by the blankets. Daniel smiled and slid into bed, gratefully fitting himself to the young man's side. Soon he too was soundly asleep as the rain clouds slowly cleared outside and left the morning sky washed clean.</span>
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